Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
So, the flight to Montreal is canceled, the bag is unpacked.
I'm looking at a pile of stuff that I'd pre-packed for Bali and wondering when I'll unpack that. Because Dr. VID does not want me to go-he needs to monitor me.
So, that's pretty much it here. No weekend getaway, no vacation, no baby.
Oh, but I have a lot of baby-related stuff arriving on my doorstep any day now. Good times.
The only thought that keeps me sane is thinking, "I can get pregnant, but it was a bad egg. Who wants to raise a bad egg? Not me, I'm not cut out for that."
I'm old, I've got some bad eggs in there. I knew that going into this game. I know my chances of getting pregnant and I also know I've got a 30% chance of m/c. I know. But I'd hoped to be one of the others.
Let's hope there are some good eggs left for next time.
But if this is truly an ectopic, there's gonna be quite a wait for next time.
The waiting never ends, does it?
I have a conference call at 4pm that I have to get my head on for and hope that no one asks me anything. After that, you'll find me in bed reading, appropriately enough, "The Gravedigger's Daughter".
I felt really at peace and was able to do some awesome visualization and for the first time thought "I'm really pregnant".
To further this feeling, I did some retail "I'm really pregnant" therapy online purchasing a prenatal yoga DVD, a pilates when you're pregnant DVD, the Mayo book, wrist sea bands (for the ferry in Indonesia, car rides AND they help with morning sickness) and a morning sickness relief kit with ginger candies and who knows what else. Added bonus was that it was all free! K, because she is a rock star employee, gets little "you're a rock star" gifts from her company every few months which can be turned into Ama.zon certificates--so me being the rock star household manager, gets to spend them!
The sea bands and the kit will go on vacation with us. I figure we should be as prepared as possible in case it hits me.
Then my RE called and that feeling of, how do you say, "Chill the Fuck Out" which I felt I was doing, suddenly went away. He wanted me to come in for more bloodwork, make sure the #'s were doubling. OK, I agree. The spotting, combined with the low numbers has him very concerned that this could be an ectopic. Well Fuck. So, he is very concerned about me getting on a plane to Indonesia before we can do a scan (it will be too early to do one and tell) because if it is an ectopic, my tube could rupture in transit.
That's just great. Totally NOT chilling the fuck out anymore.
Of course, I've emailed the two international hospitals on Bali and they can do beta blood work on me, but get this--it takes a WEEK to get the results!! Anyway, they are equipped to deal with this kind of thing. And, there are a few land masses we fly over enroute where an emergency landing could happen if need be. How fast can a tube rupture? You have to feel a lot of pain first, right?
Seriously, I have no idea what to do at this point.
I'll get the blood work today and also next Tuesday and that will give us enough to make a decision.
I rode my bike up the East River this morning to the RE for the beta test and was able to get up, give blood and be back home all in 30 round trip. And I didn't have to bike on a single NY city street. It was awesome and I was feeling really good about the day.
Until I got home and K told called to tell me that she'd forgotten her passport.
As in she's somewhere in a Central Time Zone flying to Montreal tonight and her passport is here in NYC. Well Fuck me again. I called the airline, the TSA and the Canadian Embassy and border patrol customer service. No clear answers.
They might let her on with a copy of her passport/birth certificate (I could scan these and get them to her by email). Or they might not. And even if the airline lets her on, the Canadian border patrol could deny her entry, even if I have her passport there waiting for her.
There's just no way around this.
So, she's flying back to NYC and I'll go to Montreal to visit our friends for the weekend. It's been really hard coordinating all of this travel--6 weeks worth of trips including her business travel--so it's an honest mistake (especially because it's CANADA, I mean christ it's like it's another state...but it's not!).
It just sucks because I won't see her for another week when she will literally be home for a few hours before we fly to Bali. She was going to meet me in Tokyo, but she's coming home first. What a mess. If we even go to Bali. What a freaking mess.
Just waiting for those new beta numbers. I swear I walk around, saying "double double triple" in my head.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
This is the state I'm in. Still pregnant, no doubt about it--but the numbers are still low. However, they have done exactly what they are supposed to be doing which is doubling every 48 hours. And, older women have much lowers numbers than younger ones. It's hard not to compare.
I've been spotting everyday, very light brown, which I've read is perfectly normal. But it is still scary.
There have been some 'pregnancy' symptoms which are reassuring: in the mornings the need to eat NOW hits me full force. I've dry heaved twice in the morning, once on Sunday and once this morning. No nausea or vomiting whatsoever, just a gag and then I'm back to normal.
My energy is not lagging at all! In fact, K had a hard time keeping up with me this weekend and she was flying in from Central time! So, that's great.
K is so excited but is taking my cue and not knowing whether to be excited or cautious or a crazy combination of both. It's difficult and now she's gone again.
My travel plans are tricky with the testing b/c they want to see me again this Saturday and I leave Thursday for Montreal and won't be able to test again until I'm back in NYC on Tuesday, Sept. 2.
Then, I'll just have that test to go on before I leave for Indonesia three days later….
Perfect timing (1) I just got 2 free tickets to "Spring Awakening". My due date is April 30th, so I'm going to take this as a good sign! (2) my BFF just called me to remind me most women just have the POAS to go by for 10 weeks until they have their first appointment so stop stressing about the numbers. They are doing what they should be doing.
She thinks it's great that I'm traveling so I can't have too many tests and keep obsessing about the numbers! She's probably right.
She also told me to think positive and believe that I'm truly pregnant—the baby needs that positive energy. So, here I go.
We're PREGNANT. Hard to believe, but totally true.
The universe knew better than to keep me inside all winter with an infant and wants me to have the summer off!
PS—I just had my annual review today and it was great! More money, big bonus--all for the baby!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
But wait! There's more! My temperature shot UP 4 points this morning. I mean really, WTF??
It's way too late for implantation spotting, but I am baffled. I'm either 13 or 14 DPO. Don't really know to tell you the truth.
Yesterday I had the almost, but not quite PMS headache...and a small one today. That's not normal as it's usually for one day and it's full on, but never for 2 days. I have no idea.
This weekend we are going to a friend's big gay wedding in Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA. Don't you just love that name?!
I fly to meet K in SF tomorrow and we are going to test together on Friday morning. We actually even went out and BOUGHT a damn pregnancy test--the first one EVER--because I knew I wouldn't get my period with the progesterone and I'd have to test. I don't know if I'll have to do that or not now.
And now...I'm wondering if I should just go to get the blood test tomorrow morning so I can have some answers about all of the craziness.
I know the HPT's don't always catch it right at 14/15DPO and I'd really like to know if I can drink champagne at the wedding or not!
Regardless, I have IVF orientation training next Wednesday. It sounds like all kinds of fun learning how to pump up those needles and shoot oranges. Can't wait. I wanted to go ahead and schedule the class so that I wouldn't miss it in September and be delayed another month.
In fact, I'd hoped with a BFN this month, that I'd keep on with the progesterone to delay my period just enough that I'd be able to start as soon as I returned from Indonesia in late September. But it is looking like my body has other plans for me. I mean we're talking ONE DAY.
IVF starts on Day 2 monitoring and as it's going right now, I'll miss it by ONE DAY and have to wait until October.
Hopefully all of the flying will throw my body off and I'll stumble into the clinic jet-lagged and bleary eyed the day after my return.
Or I'm pregnant. Whatever. Seriously at this point, I'm just ready to get on a plane and have some fun with my baby. I cannot wait to get to California.
PS--I'm much, much better than Sunday/Monday! Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I don't know what I'd do without this community.
Monday, August 18, 2008
It started with my temp falling 3 points and I felt like I was aboard a lifeboat that had been pricked by a shark tooth in the middle of the ocean and was slowly sinking.
And then it got worse.
There’s a TTC group that meets twice a month at the
They posted a long response someone had asked on the list serve about ‘when do you know when to be aggressive?’ Turns out, they, at age 35, decided to be aggressive from the get go and are now 3 months pregnant.
When I read that it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I have handled every BFN with relative ease. “It’s not my time.” “I knew the timing was off.” Etc, etc. I think I’m holding up pretty well, all things considered and am in a good place about accepting fate. My life has been hard and spent waiting for something good to happen. This is hard and I’m pretty good at waiting. End of story.
But this news made me feel worse than 6 months of TTC and BFN’s.
I immediately felt so stupid that we’d been coasting along, trying to get pregnant without drugs, doing it au naturel (well as au naturel as one can get with assisted IUI’s). Why hadn’t we gotten more aggressive? Why didn’t we do IVF right from the beginning? What is wrong with us that we could possibly think we would be able to do this without extreme intervention? Why am I such an idiot?
K made me put on my running shoes and we went on a 2 hour walk down the river where she reminded me that we wanted to try to do this without drugs. Dr. VID thought I had a decent chance because my body was doing everything just as it should be. The girl who went right to IVF had many other issues going on that I didn’t and those issues pushed her and Dr. VID to get more aggressive from the beginning. We didn’t want to do IVF.
We didn’t even want drugs???
It seems a million years away that thinking of where we were just seven months ago.
And it’s petty, but I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I sent them to my RE and they got pregnant and I’m not. I’m jealous, I’m mad, I’m angry.
None of these are pretty things and I know they will pass and really, I’m quite happy for the couple while still feeling jealous—if that’s possible.
I woke up at 4:30am this morning with an unsinkable feeling that I was on my way to IVF and why didn’t I just do that from the beginning?
So I broke all the rules and fixed myself at full caf latte because I am that convinced I am.not.pregnant. Again.
This one hurts the worst.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Later, I had a nice, long talk with the Doc and I questioned how does one know when to switch donors? Unfortunately with IUI's there's no clear data that shows switching donors increases the chances. You hear about the women who switched and got pregnant but you don't hear about the others who didn't. Plus, who is to say that they wouldn't have gotten pregnant regardless that cycle, maybe it was just their time? In short, no clear answers.
If this IUI cycle doesn't work...we're not only on to IVF, but we have to find another donor. We discovered that stupidly, we'd bought 12 vials of IUI ONLY and well...we may very well need IVF. The good news is that CCB will buy back the five remaining vials at 1/2 price. My stomach almost goes into convulsions thinking of the wasted money ($1400?? Gagging now...). I hate wasting money pretty much more than anything.
There was a beacon of hope on August 12th, because our donor was coming back ONE LAST TIME and he maybe he would give off some IVF quality swimmers. I'm not quite sure how that all works...but that's what they said. I called. No IVF swimmers and now our donor has retired.
If I'm not pregnant this month, we have to change donors one way or another. The thought of going through all of that again and wasting so much money makes me crazy.
But it is what it is. Right?
This is the last weekend that K and I are home for the next six weekends so I'm feeling a little pushed for time to get everything done in regards to traveling. We have two 4-day weekends and then it's off to Indonesia.
And now, to know that come Aug. 22, I may be on a new donor search as well...argh.
I can do this. I can do this.
You know what? I'll find someone even BETTER than our current donor. And all will be right with the world...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Fire Island was fantastic. There are no cars, no roads and it's such a peaceful and relaxing place. You walk off the ferry and feel an instant "Ahhhhhh." It was so good to see our friends and spend a couple of days at the beach. We had an amazing 'anniversary' weekend filled with love and laughter. We ate lobster rolls and took long walks on the beach. In the evenings we grilled out on the patio and ate under the stars--stars we never see in Manhattan and oh how I miss them. Late at night we'd go for ice cream and walk down to the beach to watch as the orange moon rose on the horizon.
They asked about the baby making plans and I obliged by telling them any and all details they wanted. Everyone is excited and very supportive, plus we were told many times how great we are together and what an amazing team we are.
I feel that way too and I'm glad others notice it.
Kate and I have been through a LOT in our 8 years together and it's so nice to know that through it all, we have developed a healthy, working relationship with one another filled with friendship, love, and much, much laughter. Marriage is hard, hard work and without all the years of working through things, I don't think we'd be handling the TTC process so well. I can't imagine doing this in the early years! This process has only brought us closer together. I can't even remember the last time we quarreled (small tiffs, yes; full blown fights, no).
For me, I try to focus on the amazing life we have right here, right now and not dwell too much on what we don't have or want. We have everything we need.
We both know that we are not in charge here. There's a higher power out there and we cannot control when we get pregnant. Ultimately, we hope to have a baby. It may be mine, it may be hers, it may be me carrying hers, it may be adopted but the end result will be that we have a child.
And if, just IF, we do not, life will go on. I have gone through nearly 40 years child-free (ouch I think I just sprained my finger typing that. Fuck. 40?) and while I'd really love to have children, I'm sure I can get through 40 more without one.
The more I remind myself that I am not in charge, the easier this process is. Letting go is a difficult thing for me to do and this has been the ultimate exercise in demonstrating my untapped strength.
We are really blessed to have such a wonderful life. I'm either pregnant right now or I'm not.
I really feel like I could be, but if not we're off to LLN (Land of Lots of Needles aka IVF).
Either way, I can handle it.
Having some amazing travels coming up helps a lot! This was a good time to plan a vacation!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
I am so grateful for the abundance of well wishes that come my way. I have no idea who everyone is out there reading my crazy blog, but I'm astonished there are so many. Thank you for reading, for playing my silly travel trivia games, for listening to the mundane details of my life and for leaving encouraging comments when I write something you like or relate to. Thank You.
Right now, I've hit that point where (most of) my friends IRL aren't asking me anymore how it's going. I think they don't know what to say. One of my BFF's and I had dinner last week--she who accidentally got pregnant--and as I was telling her everything, she just looked so...I don't know, many parts of shock/guilt/uncomfortable. She is such a great friend to keep asking and patiently listening to all of the details, but she can't relate AT ALL.
But you can. So thank you for just being there.
I need some advice. I'd like to change things up this last IUI cycle. It's cycle #6. I took Cl.omid 100 mg Days 5-9 and am currently on Day 12. According to my blood and U/S follicle check (there were, gulp, FOUR), I could very well trigger tomorrow (Tuesday).
I have consistently done the trigger around 9am and the IUI at 11am/12pm the next day which is only 26-27 hours. Most everything says you'll ovulate within 24-36 hours after the trigger...so maybe I need to do it more around 30-34 hours?
I know those frozen guys don't last long...
Also this month--just to change it up, why the hell not as it's the last shot before starting IVF...we're using two vials of our boyz. His counts have been 'adequate' between 10-14 million, but I need more than adequate this time. I haven't decided whether I should do two vials and one IUI or two IUI's....oh the uncertainty.
Depending on the timing, I may have to shoot myself in the ass. I am not looking forward to that, but I can do it.
Question: For those of you who used a trigger shot and did an IUI AND got pregnant, when did you trigger and when did you do the IUI?
How many IUI's did you do?